I haven’t been here in awhile. I had lost my muse or my will to write anything. Writing takes time and your brain has to create space for the imagination. For me that means space without stress or pressure, and unfortunately for me; space has been rare to find.
Unforeseen pressure is always character building. That’s what we get told and that is what nature shows us. Diamonds, for example, are found from pressure. We put pressure on ourselves to shine. I am not sure where I am going with this but to say this year I have enough pressure that I should be sparkling.
I have learned that I need to pull my self out of this cycle I find myself in. That spot where I become secure that things will be taken care of and that I don’t have to worry. There is such thing as being too independent and I will raise my hand and tell you that I suffer from the common, “I will do it myself” fatigue.
I am stuck being a leader when truly I would like to be a follower. I don’t want to have to make all the tough decisions. I don’t want to be the one who just gets it done. It’s exhausting. Women have so much pressure on themselves to do it all. Well, I am freaking tired okay. I want to put my ass in a chair on the beach and watch waves and drink something cold. But when you can’t relax sitting at the beach starts to look like work. I can only sit for so long. The sun is hot, the shade is cold and the breeze feels good. Too much glare off Mrs. Ocean and so I have to get up and move around. I walk the shore. I look for shells and collect too many so I have to come back to the chair, the shade and the breeze. So now I can busy myself looking the shells. See? Even the beach for me is exhausting because I cannot relax.
If only it were that simple.
Am I doing enough? Probably. Most likely. Is it things that make my eyes sparkle? No. It is the mundane daily tasks that have to be done.
My child moved out of my home and in with her dad for her Senior year of high school. She had her reasons and I really understand her need to move forward; but it has been an adjustment. I hit a hard wall of depression questioning every decision. Add to the guilt were everyone’s opinion on my parenting.
“Just tell her no.”
That was the most advice I got. Solid advice. It doesn’t help and it doesn’t encourage. Especially when she is at the age where she needs to grow and spread her wings a little. She is still in a nest, it’s just not my nest. I parent from a far now.
I was making forward progress, I had also hit the wall of depression. I didn’t want to get out of bed and I didn’t want to exercise. I didn’t even want to clean my house. I just wanted to sit or sleep. I felt like a bad mom. That my daughter had to get away from me, and I know that’s not case. It had only been me and her for so long, it’s hard to remember who I am without her. I know I had prep time for this because she has spend every summer and Christmas with her dad for the past six years; but I knew she was coming home. That’s a different kind of missing your child. This feels more permanent so that means I need to move forward.
While I was in that wall of depression, life passed me by. I wasn’t present. I was worried about everything else going on in my life at the time. At the same time I also felt I wasn’t allowed time to be in the depression. I was some how suppose to just keep everything together even though I wasn’t together at all.
What I came to realize is it’s okay. It’s okay. Life changes and it keeps moving forward. I just am figuring out how to move forward and not get bogged down by every day minutia. Or feelings of inadequacy. I am good mom and a good human. I may not get it right every time, but I am engaged and I am showing up. I am now learning to take it easy on myself and make time for my passions. Whatever they may be. And that includes telling everyone around me that I need alone time and I need space. Space to create and reconnect with the one person that needs me the most.