I have been having a rough go of it.  I am just going to say it. My personal life has been in , well not the ditch exactly, but ditch adjacent. 

There is so much good in my life. My transition to momming from afar to the most well adjusted child is going good. I think. She isn’t the best communicator about her thoughts and feelings; she plays everything close to the vest with me. I think I am overwhelming as a mom because my feeling ebb and flow like a river. She isn’t quite so dramatic. But even so she makes me feel like a rock star mom with her grasp on life. She gives me good advice. It’s crazy to watch a once 4 year old wearing Disney princess night gowns every day turn into this amazing human. I look at her and can say I did one thing right. 

Now the rest of my life. Well, I would like to look at this way. It’s more like driving down the road in your favorite pick up truck, the windows are down and the radio is turned way up. It’s a good day. Little sun and wind. Hair blowing in the breeze. Right before a pot hole. 

Every thing bounces and is thrown off balance. I realize that this is my own fault for not looking further down the road and paying attention to the signs.

I believe I am glass half full kind of person with room for more. That has lead me to become a fixer to almost everyone I meet. I also get told what I should be doing or how I should be doing it. Quite a bit. It’s usually with the shrug of my shoulders that I keep going. 

What I need to say to my daughter is; it’s great to the girl with all the advice; but, you have to remember that too much input leads to confusion. I forget to trust my own voice as much as I am trusting others. And sometimes I feel confused by what I am hearing or what I am being told. It’s almost like there’s static on the line and they are missing some of the words coming through from me. 

I can say that I have become a quiet person, and I know that is going to seem a little odd. Considering I am loud much of the time. I have found myself not saying as much as I should. I have felt my voice become smaller. It’s not that I don’t think I have something to say or an opinion to voice. It’s just become too overwhelming to ask to be listened too. That my information matters too. I have started to try to quiet all the outside voices telling me what to do; even after I have vented to them about a worry. After all, their decisions and opinion matter or I wouldn’t be going to them; but it only effects them. They aren’t living with the decision after it’s made.

Transitions are hard on everyone. I know this. Many of us don’t go through something hard or heartbreaking without becoming a changed person. But not every transition has to be an ending but maybe to a new something. We all have to find that something. Right now that’s all I am desperately trying to do. 

I am trying to get back to driving down the road carefree with the window down and radio up. It’s not easy. In fact it’s rather hard right now. The radio isn’t coming in without the static and there are clouds are the horizon; but I have faith the size of a mustard seed that everything will be alright.