I mispronounce words. A lot. Or enough that it becomes noticeable. It could be that my tongue just gets in the way and it sounds wrong. At any rate, I have noticed my whole life I don’t say or see things the same way others do.

I don’t fit in.

It could be I am too sensitive.

I am like a square peg in a round hole. My clothes, my style, the things I find interesting or pretty aren’t in tune with the rest of the world. I often stare in amazement at the way a whole group of society can have the same taste in clothes and make them look good. I could be shown a whole rack of clothes and still not pick the thing that I “should.” I have a shoe collection that I shouldn’t have all because I am in constant pursuit of the right shoe. I think I should scrap them all except for my boots, my vans, and a good pair of flats or flip flops.

It could be I am too sensitive.

I have to admit I have felt out of sorts this past year. Like I don’t fit in my own skin. I can’t seem to figure it out, but everything feels off. My to do lists gets longer and my have to’s seem to grow along with my prayer list. I worry too much about the future. I am also a creature of habit and my oldest child brain likes a certain order to things.

It could be I am too sensitive.

Everything feels heavy. I had a week of complete darkness. I hate it. I hate being in that frame of mind that I can’t get out no matter how much sunshine or getting up every morning to burn it off. I just wanted to sleep. I like to blame it on hormones. I think this was more and I hate to say that out loud. It was heavy. Mostly coming out of a lot of weirdness and worry. A lot of shouldering more than I should and just kept pushing forward. I can’t help it. I just push on. I know if I just keep moving forward I can shake it.

It could be I am too sensitive.

This week is better. I am eating better and moving around more. I still feel the weight of the world on me and I am worried about far too many things that aren’t in my control, like the grass growing or calves gaining weight or rain. I can either pray or worry but I can’t do both. That’s something I need to remember and most of what is so heavy isn’t as bad as I think or it is.

Maybe it’s the weight of feeling I should feel or act more like an adult. The weight of that will make a person crazy.

It could be I am too sensitive. It could be I need to shake off the opinions of others and that includes everything I tend to think about myself. It’s okay I am little off balance. I don’t always say the right word right and I don’t always follow a crowd. I don’t have a sense of direction anyway and the music was a little too loud for me to hear anyway. It could be that 17 year old me would be really disappointed in the lack of confidence wrapped up in attitude I lost some where along the way. I just need an open road and wide open windows on a dream car.
It’s sitting in my drive way. It’s on my adult to do list. It really belongs on my 17 year old to do list. If I think about it……

I could be I am too sensitive.