I’m a little disappointed in myself.

I would like to think I am a pretty smart person, but than I look back on the stupid things I’ve done and I realize I need to follow my own advice. Especially when a number of people around me take the time to say something to me.

The last year has been trying. I have felt like I am in a row boat going up stream that keep filling up with water. Health issues aside, there is something about dealing with someone else and their issues that you never quite expect.
I am a people-pleaser and I have a “I’ll save you complex.” I thought I had learn some things along my journey to 48 but it turns out I need to learn a few more. Or more to the point, stop saving everyone’s feeling at the expense of mine. I know it’s hard to believe, but I don’t always speak my mind as much as I should.

I have a wonderful, silly dog named Grace. She makes me smile just thinking about her because she is generally just a happy beautiful soul. I really don’t deserve her, but she has taught me so much. For instance, Grace barks at everyone. I mean friend or foe, Grace will charge at you barking. No amount of yelling her name or telling her to stop will work. She doesn’t hear me, she is just running to the person or animal that she sees. Once she gets there, she stops barking and is so friendly. She also doesn’t mind very well. She does what she wants. She’s 9 years old. She stopped giving a f*ck. She is also too nice and too considerate of other animals. She will let another dog or cat run over her until she finally has had enough. I guess in a way she is my dog after all.

We all have our breaking points.

Mine comes from doing too much for others or letting them guilt me until I give in. At that point it is their disrespect for my opinion or boundaries; not me. I can only yell so loud in a crowded room before I realize no one is listening. Much like Grace, no one takes my barking seriously.
So I stop. I stop helping. I stop suggesting and I stop worrying. I just stop. It’s my coping mechanism. I realize I need to trust my instinct and put my needs and values first. No one else is going to take off their oxygen mask to save me. It’s my job to save myself.

When this happens others will take notice and ask what is wrong. After all, I have been so much for so many that they find comfort in the fact that I will just continue to be there and to bend for as long as needed. As long as they need. There is nothing wrong. I am putting my oxygen mask on. First.

I can only love or give advice or hold your hand before I am all done. I was in therapy awhile back and the one thing that keeps coming back to me is he said, “you are trying to make sense out of a nonsense situation. Trust yourself. You have the right instincts.” I have forgotten that every once and again, so I think I need to put up my wall so I can read it every day. Pep talks are needed when you get so far in the hole, you forget yourself.

I am reclaiming myself. We all have periods of doubt and low self esteem. It’s normal human nature. What is also a normal human nature is to remember all that I am and all that I can be. It’s okay for me to take care of me first and demand others around me start to listen to me.

I shouldn’t have to yell.