I woke up from a bad dream. I starred at the ceiling and tried to recall all the missing pieces before the fluttered away into the atmosphere.
It started with a very large, tall man grabbing the back of my hair and pulling backwards down a hallway. He then turned me to face forward and held a knife to my back.
As you can see I don’t have fun dreams. I have never had ‘sweet’ dreams. I have always had what I would call survival dreams. In every dream I can recall from a teenager on my dreams always involved me in a dangerous or precarious situation. Almost every one involve a ‘bad’ guy with a gun or knife. They used to wake me up in a start. Heart racing and scared out of my mind. Until I started digging into how I could change the story line in the middle of the dream. Lucid dreaming helped me to overcome the scariness of the dream and figure out what I should be doing to save myself.
So in my current dream; I am not sure the sequence of events, but I called for help and we flipped this large man on to his back. The knife went to floor. And he got smaller. He wasn’t large and scary any more. He was now a boy of maybe 9 or 10 years old. We were now standing outside in the rain with my hand at the back of his neck to keep him from getting away. He began crying and saying he didn’t want to go with the man. A vehicle pulled up and a tall man got out and took the boy and put him in the vehicle. He told me thank you for calling him and that they would take care of it. As they drove away, my friend asked why he was crying. He did the damage. I said that we all have our demons and everyone is afraid of something.
I tend to self reflect a lot. I read and listen to podcasts on self development. I’ve probably mentioned this before. It depends on my mood and what I need to learn. There are some days where I don’t want to listen. I don’t want to hear it. Those are the days that I walk away feeling better and I have that a-ha revelation. I am my own worst critic. I am harder on myself, but I am also confident. Not in all things. Mostly in owning my feelings. I will own how that made me feel and I will also express regret over my ego over ride.
It happens. I am human after all. I didn’t claim to be perfect; just confident.
Learning to override a bad thought, a bad or bad words said to me took some time. It’s a process. I am much better at it now. I have learned not to take everything said to me seriously or personally. I can usually work through it and re-group in less time it takes me to drink a cup of coffee; or some things I am still working on getting over and letting go. Hurt feelings. People talking shit. Again, I just remind myself that everyone has their shit they are still working through and some people work through it by hurting others. Doesn’t make it less painful. It just means I can put them in aside and realize it isn’t all about me. They have work they don’t want to do.
We all have work we don’t want to do. I suppose that’s why it’s called work.
This is not an excuse to be an asshole. I have been told on a number of occasions that I am in fact being a bit of an asshole. *Shrugs* Some days I am. I’ll own that all day long. It’s not okay. It’s not an excuse. Some days the situation calls for me to be asshole. Then again….maybe I have some work to do.