Sigh.

December can suck it.

Once upon a time when I was a wee little lass; I use to look forward to the Jolly Fat Man. I loved the tree being put up and my mom always had themes. She still does. I didn’t catch that particular gene. As of this moment, we still don’t have a tree up in our house even with my constant chattering of “we need to get a tree” I really want a fake tree but my daughter insists a real tree is better. So no tree yet. I did get out the boxes but not as much as usual. Tis the season

December can suck it.

My grandpa decided to leave this Earthly Plane one December. He sat down to read the paper and just like that the Angels said “okay big guy. Time to come home.” That was a sad December. It was cold and we had Grandma put up a tree for sense of normal. It seemed sadder to see the big ol’ tree sit in the living room and no one seemed that excited about it. So all those Christmas pasts always come flooding into my memory bank this time of year. I always see him with a glass, kicked back in a chair with a black and white dog next to him. Probably giving sage advice all while the noise of the family went on around him.

This year has been full of ups and downs. Loss. Loss of loved ones, loss of jobs, loss of what feels like our freedoms; but in this year of upside down time I have focused on hope. Cause even though December can suck it; it has been a year full of growth. We can’t go through something like this and not be changed. We can’t go through this and not grow. Those lessons that we have been learning are a good thing and will forever be our teacher in change and forward motion.

Tragic loss is a great teacher and a hard master. She comes in without warning and destroys everything in her path; and then when we least expect it she serves us the lessons of hope and growth we are meant to learn if the loss hadn’t happened. If the person we love the most was still around to make us laugh and watch us grow.

I never wanted the growth part of the hurt. God, that ache in my chest never went away. That pain that I couldn’t quite reach or make go away. I wanted the people that I lost back in my life and things to go back to whatever version of normal I had come to expect. My grandpa use to come to all my basketball games and after I was living on my own he would stop by and take me to get ice cream. Little things.

Loss makes a person fearful. It takes away that sense of innocence. All the sudden everything is wide open and scary. It can either stop of us from enjoying life that is still in front of us. The good and the bad. The beautiful lesson I learned is there is no safety net. It was always an illusion; so the best thing to do is do it afraid. Do it despite having that huge hole in your chest. Do it afraid.

As I have had growth thrust upon me I have learned to trust that God ( High power, spirit or energy whatever word you want to put in there); always waits for me to ask for help. I have learned to trust the process. Otherwise that incredible heavy foot of anxiety and out of control sets on my chest. I begin to spin and when I do that I realize I am trying to control too much and I am not asking for help. Prayer in my car or in the shower is a great stress reliever. It has also gotten me through many situations where I just had to do it afraid.

So even though December can suck it; I look forward to gifts, trees and family and creating memories. I am also looking forward to facing the next year braver than I was this year and pushing myself to do it afraid.