Onward.

My knees hit the floor and I prayed for him to love me. I prayed to be good enough for him. I prayed and I prayed and the door closed. I cried and cried.

Her knees hit the floor and she sat and cried and asked why she wasn’t good enough for him? Why didn’t he love her enough?

This time I knew the answer because it was the answer that was given to me.
“Sis it isn’t you. You are good enough. You are amazing. You are worth loving. When we put our expectations on someone to do it for us; we will be let down every time.”

That one simple click of the door closing on me opened a window, a hallway, a doorway and a whole new house. Now I don’t even attempt to open the door that wasn’t meant for me and was meant to be closed.

Isn’t that somethin’? When we get that message. Man, sometimes it takes me two or three tries before I realize that wasn’t meant for me. You see, I am a people pleaser and a helper. I want to help.  I want to make it better and I want everyone to smile and laugh with me. I want us all to be friends and bake bread.

I can also be a badger. I never really want to let go.

“Why did you stop talking to me?” I was asked by someone who had been my friend off and on for years.

That was a little difficult for me to answer. It wasn’t as simple as you hurt me and it was as simple as you hurt me.

I answered as honestly as I could, ” I wasn’t in a healthy space and didn’t feel good with myself let alone to be a good friend, so I just backed away. I apologize and going forward let’s make an effort to be better friends.”

I decided that this relationship had become one sided and it  was now in her court. If she missed me and wanted to continue to build a friendship going forward; she would call. God and the universe had spoken already on this friendship and they collective had sighed and ran their hands down their faces. This wasn’t a friendship based on love and mutual respect. Each interaction had made me walk away wondering why I wasn’t good enough? Why didn’t she love me like I loved her? I had given her chances. I felt I had tried all I could and the try had ran out. So with a final nail in the door; I walked away knowing I may have not been a good friend all the time but I had tried each time.

Why do we fight so hard to keep a door open? What is it in the human spirit that won’t simply grieve for the ending and say thank you? I wish I knew the answer. I wish I could let go of some things and some relationships as easily as I have with others.

I have learned enough to say I am a lot better about it. I still have to go through the motions of asking why I let someone have that illusion of power over me and what I could have done differently. When I feel that obsession;  I know it’s time to close the door. I realize that if I have done everything I can do (and sometimes that’s get out of my own way) that it is time to wish them the best and send them on their way.

I remember the day I finally got it. The day I finally understood that happiness was an inside project. It is something that only I can create and choose every single day. I can choose to focus on the relationships that are willing to open the door, pick up the phone and do the work it takes  going forward. None of it easy. Some days are banging on a dark door in even darker hallway and asking God to open it; and when He doesn’t remember to say thank you for keeping it closed. There are friendships and relationships out there just waiting for you to stop banging on the closed door in the dark hallway and walk into sunshine to an open door only to greet you with a fresh glass of something good.