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Insecure.

in·se·cure
adjective
adjective: insecure
not firmly fixed; liable to give way or break.
“an insecure footbridge”
  • able to be broken into or illicitly accessed.
    “an insecure computer system
  • (of a job or position) from which removal or expulsion is always possible.
    (of a person) not confident or assured; uncertain and anxious.
    “a rather gauche, insecure young man”
    Similar:
    unconfident
    lacking confidence
    lacking self-confidence

Being insecure can cause you to do some dumb shit. No really. Have you ever really doubted yourself? To the point where it was debilitating? You couldn’t make a decision or if you did it you second guessed yourself the whole time. Being insecure messes with your head. And if you listen close enough, you’ll realize it really isn’t you talking. It’s your ego. The one voice telling you that you aren’t good enough.

Let’s talk about how that makes you feel. In your body. How do you start to feel when you are running yourself down? When you are doubting who you are because of a bad day, a decision or someone else’s opinion; you start to ache right? Like everything starts to hurt, you want to go to bed and you start to shut down.

I am going to rewind the tape in a minute, but first I am going to tell you about me.

If you have been playing along at home, you will have been putting together that I have not always been my confident loud mouth self. I have been made fun of for a number of reasons..my laugh, my dating or lack there of, my smile, the way I wore my hair, the way I wore my jeans….I mean there is a list. Is it my list? No most of it comes from outside sources. And even if some of those voices got to me, they didn’t get to me for long.

I do know being insecure caused me to make some poor decisions in my life. I would let someone else’s voice spend too much time in my head and I began to doubt myself. I began to doubt who I was or what I wanted. I like to say that it happened. I let it. I learned from it and it won’t happen again. And it hasn’t. I do have some “situational reactions.”  I do have breaking points. I am human. Especially if I feel I am not being heard;  the  feeling helpless or hopeless isn’t one of them. The ego voice isn’t so loud any more. I am able to shut it down because I earned and I learned.

I become more frustrated at someone stuck in their own insecurities. I  can be too judgmental, mostly because I have done so much damn work to get better that I can’t understand why they aren’t trying to do the same! I have had to realize that I am not perfect. I just have become more confident. I am not here to force people to heal their broken parts; I am just here to guide. I check myself daily and sometimes I find I am too critical of me.

I am secure in who I am. I am secure in most of my decisions because I have learned to listen to myself.  Really listen. Not listen to the insecure ego; but to the one sounding the most confident.

How did I get here? A walk in the woods. I had to walk through some darkness with a flashlight to look for clues. I had to find guides. I read a lot of personal development books. I read at least one a month. I listen to experts. I listen to podcasts. I listen to me.

Being insecure stems from fear. The unknown. The unsure. The best way I know how to get past all of it is to talk about it and most importantly; go through it. Learn from it. Grow from it.