Did I make the right decision?
I shrug my shoulders.
Before that question would have left me paralyzed in fear, today I shrug my shoulders and usually say, “Fuck it.”
I might smile too. (so did you just now.)
But that Doubt.
Doubt is a sonofabitch. It comes in like that snobby girl in class, flipping her hair over her shoulder and looking down at me with that sneer on her face. She doesn’t have anything to say, really, just whispers to her friends and laughs.
I check my shirt for stains and I have the urge to run to the bathroom to see if I have food on my face.
Nope. She’s just a bitch.
Someone getting inside your head is one thing, but the decision to let them live there is another.
Decisions use to be hard for me. I was always afraid I was making the wrong one. Guess what? No decision is still a decision. I was also constantly afraid I was going to make someone mad for making the decision.
Or not making one.
Again. There she is over there in the corner of the party. She is watching me again. She is waiting and there it is. She tipped her head back and laughed.
I fight the urge to run to the bathroom and check my clothes.
When does this thing called doubt appear. It certainly wasn’t with me when I was 3 years old banging out the screen door with my dog to go on adventures. I didn’t question my ability to climb bales and when I got older; I don’t remember ever questioning if I should get on that horse my dad swore was “just a little green.” (Hint: they were always a lot green.)
Doubt appears when I’m trying to be someone else to please someone else. A boss, coworker, friend and family; we have all tried to mold ourselves to fit someone else version of us.
No doubt appears when I let other people’s perception of me gets into my head. When this has happened in the past, I took it all personally. Today I might have a 30 minute game delay, but I realize it tends to be a “them” problem and not a “me” problem.
That’s okay, not everyone can have good taste, so fuck it.
Back to that bitch doubt.
I think I have it together today. Except my smile. It’s still too big and my laugh is still too loud.
That bitch doutbt is over there nodding her head.
So I think it’s time to confront her.
My smile is too big. I like to smile it’s kinda my thing.
My laugh is also too loud. That’s because joy is contagious and should be shared.
My decisions are what made me who I am today.
A strong, fierce bitch who would do anything for those I love.
I don’t think, no I know, I wasn’t given all this spirit and perseverance just to constantly have someone try to break me. To make me doubt my worth or abilities, there are plenty times in my day when I feel just that.
I look up at doubt and square my shoulders , I stand just a little taller and give her a wink.
I flip my hair and walk away.