Tessa

When did you consider yourself a grown up? I keep waiting for that answer myself. I mean I do what society considers grown up things. Do I consider myself a grown person? Even while I am raising one to be a grown up? No. No, I do not think I am grown. Let me explain.

I do so much self help that I have self improved myself into a corner; into a space where I think I need to over think and handle things better. Of knowing I should say what is on my mind and not having the courage to say it at the time. I still resort to being that girl in middle school with crooked teeth and being made fun of because my legs were too long or how I wore my shorts. I am always looking for the more adult grown up to speak up. Then I realize that I am the adult and I need to stand up for the middle school girl.

Recently, I left one job to do another. It seemed like a good idea. More pay and work with, what I thought, a group of fun people. It was. At first. Then I was humbled by mistakes I had made and then the fun group slowly started to pull away. It was like being in middle school all over again. Although, I know these aren’t the popular girls trying to push me around. These are just grown women who are just insecure but have decided to form their own pack. And when women decide they are the bullies, they make sure everyone around them know it too.

Remember the lunch table in high school? A gathering spot that was used to talk and whisper and make plans. It could be a fun thing and it could be used against you. What happens when you get to work and realize that grown ups now use the lunch table in the same manner? It happens. When I was inside the circle I didn’t really realize how much it was used and pushed, all while making it sound like everyone else was just jealous. Maybe jealous isn’t the right word here. I will say once I was pushed out, it was interesting to see just all the ebbing and flowing under the guise of breaking bread happened.

The humbling experience for me was going back into that building after being gone for the summer and expecting grown ups to behave like, well, grown ups. What I received instead was the very clear cold shoulder. It was one day and I got a clear preview of what the rest of time would be like. The ability to blame is very real but not the ability to accept part of the blame for the problem.

I have been told several times over that I am brave to return. Am I really?

There really isn’t enough self help books to walk me through mean girls in their 40s. There probably should be. I just think the same rules apply. I just don’t abide by them. I am professional and keep my inside thoughts on the inside. Or at least I think I do. The need to fit in is still there or is the need to have everyone like me? I am not sure. I am not very good keeping my face from showing all my thoughts. I am work in progress. I am also self aware enough to know that even if I take all the blame they put on me (and I could say that there is enough to go around), it wouldn’t change how they have decided to play it or how they have made me the villain in their story.

When do I stop lying to myself and come to realize that I am not as kind as I think I am. I mean I am nice, but am I always kind? No. So when do I stop pretending to be kind and be the asshole I know I am. That is a question I ask myself frequently. I tend to think I should want people to think I am kind and nice. I just want to fade into the background and not be always front and center. That shit makes my heart beat faster and hard to catch my breath. The other question I keep asking myself is why do I want to keep blending in to the back ground? I don’t any longer. I don’t want fear to keep holding me back or the fear of what will happen if I say the things that I want to say to the people that need to hear them.

It’s a fine line I am tired of walking.

I am walking into the unknown professionally. My job description has changed and I really don’t know where I will land. It makes me anxious because I like to know everything ahead of time. I know; we can dig into that another time. Knowing how people will behave, but seeing it happen in real time is something else all together.

I am pretty straight forward by nature but being lied about and ran over by a bus over and over; well, that a lot for even the thickest skinned person. I am re-grouping and realizing that using lunch as a weapon isn’t a good look on anyone. Being a bully in a work place isn’t a good look on anyone.

Experience is a great teacher. When I was just out of dental assisting school and got my first job in a place full of women, I was pushed around. I was messed with and bullied. And all I was doing was to trying not to make waves and fade into the background. There I was forced to the front.

Again the universe is putting me in uncomfortable situations where I have been talked about and asked to stand tall. I will stand in front of the little girl I was in middle school. I will also remind myself at 49 that I have done so much self growth and I have been through a lot in the short life; being pushed around isn’t anything new. In fact, it’s just getting old. It also reminds me that the universe will keep showing me lessons until I learn. I keep trying to fade into the wallpaper and not be noticed. The problem is them people start to take advantage of kindness and mistake it for weakness.

I have been going through a growth spurt. I have been making promises to myself on the precipice of my upcoming milestone birthday. I don’t have them all in black and white fine print yet; but one thing I will be living by. It’s something I have said to my daughter since she was six years old, “Be kind but take no shit.”

It’s time to practice what I preach.