Tessa

Hi. I’m Tessa. I’m a recovering people pleaser.

I say I’m in recovery because even though most days I can stop the intrusive thoughts that make me pause before asking a question or simply telling someone no; I still have to have a good talking to with myself.

I feel that slight panic and the hint of disapproval before I even say or ask. I have to shake my head and remember I am kind. I am not nice and I am not a pushover. I am kind.

As a recovering people pleaser I would often not speak my mind or tell them how I felt without some deep brushing over in attempt to make them feel better. I have learned that it doesn’t help them or me when I simply brush over the way they carelessly hurt my feelings.

Now when I receive a text and it has the veiled hint of their insecurities pushing out under the pretext of an apology; I ignore the empathetic response and answer in the direct I can with leaving a hint of bitch.

I received such a text a little while ago from someone who is a repeat offender. She has been in and out of my life since we were young and it’s almost like an abusive relationship. Feelings get hurt and we try in vein to be friends, but there is a wall. Whether it’s hers or it’s mine, it’s really hard to tell. We haven’t spoken in over a year. Again. If we happen to see each other in person, she will seek me out and the last time I tried to avoid it. Very people pleaser of me to not want to confront anything. But there we were sitting at the table later in the night while she apologized for being a bad friend. Again. Words poured out while I said, “Thank you.”

I didn’t say, “Me too.” or that I was sorry too. I didn’t have to keep up the facade. I needed to break the cycle.

We parted ways and I didn’t hear from her in any capacity. No, I didn’t reach out because changed behavior is what I was looking for. Or maybe I was protecting myself from another round of feeling like her punching bag. Either way, I thought I had let it all go until I woke up one morning to a text from her.

She once again reached out to me, picking at me or trying to understand whatever situation she was going through. She said she owed me an apology for a past transgression that she either made up in her head or someone whispered to her to cause trouble.

My initial response upon seeing the text was WTF. WTF.

I, of course, did what every female does when getting a weird out-of-blue text: I texted my BFF. After much debate about not responding; I of course responded.

Not in my people-pleaser voice. More in my recovering voice. I replied and asked if she was okay and briefly defended myself (I am in recovery ) after explaining I wanted off her apology tour and wished her well.

I know I could have not responded. She didn’t deserve a response of any kind. But I also know that’s not who I am. As a people pleaser in recovery, I felt the need to stand up for myself. I didn’t need to be passive or nice. I just chose to be kind.

If you’re someone who is often putting others first or trying to please everyone, just know that I’m here to support you on your journey.

Finding the balance between being a people-pleaser and being direct isn’t easy, but it’s all about being kind, not just nice. Once we understand this, our healing can begin.

It’s not easy to put this into practice in the ugly reality of the world. I know. I just know I can feel it in my body when I go against my intuition. I’m only hurting my own feelings by failing to voice my thoughts or opinions.

And some days I have to remind myself that I’m in recovery.