My alarm went off at the usual time.  I hit snooze. I just want five more minutes. The rest of my house senses the change in breathing and they are all ready for the day to get started.

 No not any of the humans in my house. They both snore peacefully. Not even stirring at the excitement of everyone else happy to see me upright.  

The animals in my house. They know it’s time for food.  I stepped back from my sweat session in my basement for a walk about with Grace and our new puppy Sophie.

Sophie is a Border Collie mix and around 6 months old. I hope someday she will save me from my sister sitting on horseback yelling the same thing into the trees, “I see you, you #$%* cow. I sure could use a dog about now!” This is what I have heard for over a year! A year sitting on a horse yelling at cows who are standing behind a tree. I bet you didn’t know cows played statues? Well they do. Now we have Sophie. She is not a part of my self care routine; but she is an added bonus. I know Grace would sleep the day away and be happy with some fetch; but Sophie. Sophie will dig or rearrange plants in their pots without a little extra exercise.

She is my only motivating factor to getting up.
My self care routine is in the toilet. I am tired. No, I am exhausted. I can’t tell if it’s from stress of the world or boredom. This list of things to do or not do gets longer. The list of things to pray about gets longer as well because I learned that lesson. You can either pray or worry but you can’t do both. 

How’s your self care routine? 

Recently our school board in our local community voted to send our children (grades 3-12) back to school twice a day for in school service and 3 days a week on line. Now for a single mom and a working mom; this is less than ideal. The worry about my child and her ability to manage her time is real. I am blessed to have family around me to help fill in these gaps. The schedule will come. Is this permanent? No. This too shall pass. My attitude about it will ensure an easier transition.

I can either worry or pray; but I can’t do both.

I have a planner. I work towards these big ambitious goals. I write them all down with a pretty felt pen. Last night I looked at my goals and reworked them. I reversed engineered them down to the easiest of tasks. My goal was something big and lofty like becoming a multi millionaire in ten easy steps ( not really but you get the idea) and I brought it all the way down to: Go to bed at 9:30 pm. Period.

This is my new 30 day push goal. How simple. I have a before bed time routine which includes letting the dogs out, making sure the puppy does her business, letting the dogs in, making sure all the lights are off and the doors are locked; remind my kid she has to brush her teeth and wash her face (that is when she is not showering/or taking a bubble bath for hours), and to finally brush my teeth and wash my face and….. The mom list is long. The me list is short. Get my ass in bed to read. That’s all I want to do. I want to crawl into bed and spend some time somewhere else. I was reading so much self- help it started to overwhelm me. So, I put those to the side and I focus. I read my daily devotional, put on some good smelling lotion, and get in bed. And then I sigh. I realize a lot of this I bring on myself. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders when it doesn’t have to be or that I am not being the best mom, girlfriend, friend, sister, or daughter I could be. So this week I gave myself a little grace to relax. To not work out as hard as I had been, because frankly; I think my body was craving a break; and to get back to basics. Sleep, drink my water, and take care of my mind. Walk over a mile with two dogs who are way too excited to be up and going for 6:30 am.

After all, nothing else will run right if I am not in a healthy place.  Some nights it looks like border collie, a chihuahua and a black cat all curled around me and a sweet Labrador snoring on the floor beside us.

We can either worry or pray; but we can’t do both.


Being a human in the world is a weird idea. You are born out of no where and thrust into a world where ideas and thoughts are forming and changing as you grow. Every part of your being depends on the life force around you that influences you. Think about it.

Take music. I love music. I am particularly drawn to rock. Not yelling metal. But good rock music. David Bowie, Huey Lewis and the News, AC/DC, Def Lepard. Clearly a child of the 80s. I grew up in a household that listened to mostly country music. Charlie Pride, Tom T Hall, Merle Haggard, Willie Nelson, Keith Whitley. I do think there was an 8 track of the BeeGees in there. (If you don’t know what an 8 track is…..I am sorry for you and your childhood. Please go to google.) And then I discovered whole new ranges of music from swing to blues to classical. There are some human life forms walking around that don’t subscribe to music at all. I don’t know these creatures, but I am told they exist.

Half your life you struggle
Half your life you fly
Half your life makin’ trouble
Half your life makin’ it right
One day I’m the exception
Most days I’m just like most
Some days I’m headed in the right direction
And some days I ain’t even close

The point is this. Humans are all different. We grow up and we view the world through one lens until someone flips another in front of us. Asks us if we like lens A or B better. We haven’t looked through lens B before so some of us choose that path. That opens a whole new world to us.

I recently watched through the beauty of social media when someone made the statement of something along the line of “how do you know? you like in a small town.” That has stuck with me simply because the biased and entitled way it was said. I don’t know how to be a better human because I live in a smaller place than a bigger city? I don’t know how to treat strangers of every race of humanity with respect because I live in a smaller town? I will only agree with one point and that is living in a smaller place doesn’t expose us to every hateful, ignorant, entitled piece of conversation.
I use to say the same type of things. How do they know they have never left their home town? I have lived in different cities, they haven’t. How entitled and stuck up does that sound to you? I can also flip that around to say “How do you know? You’ve never lived in a big city?” And some of you haven’t ever left a big city.

Do you see what I am trying to say? Living in either place doesn’t make you a better human. BEING a better human any place you decide to be planted makes you a better human. Being a better human is a choice. And it’s not a choice. It shouldn’t be something that you have to decide. It should be I AM statement.

Because at the end of the day as my sister has said, “We are more alike than we are different.” We are all trying to raise children, pay our bills, take our dog for a walk, find a way to buy feed for cows and horses, find change to take the bus or buy milk. We are all trying to be better than we were yesterday. The message of who were are as HUMANS is getting lost in the noise of the YOU SHOULD.

Being human is complicated and it’s so fucking simple. Get up every single day and just put on the face of love. Lead with your heart’s fire. Lead with love. Try to listen through the lens of love. Try looking for the helpers. Actually….no, don’t try; DO!

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. ~Martin Luther King, jr.


This has been a hard time for the recovering people pleaser in me. The world is on fire. The Empath in me feels too much.

What I’m saying is if I could politely tell you all to piss off while giving you a hug and saying I hope you’re not too mad: it would release a lot of my pent up anxiety.

I grind my jaw and I feel like I should be eating all the things.


Being an independent person in a world that wants me to conform is a hard task.

And trying to keep my positive mental state while in information overload is exhausting. Listening to all the podcasts and reading daily. If that’s not enough; just go on any social media outlet to be told I’m not understanding or strong or listening.

Last night I made some notes of how I want July to look. I can not control the world or even my world but I can restrict what I allow to continue. Negative energy is one thing that I can control. I might need more crystals. Maybe a moon water bath.

I am taking a social media break. It’s a system overload and I simply cannot be an active participant in it. I’m exhausted and I have a permanent headache from squinting trying to understand all the hate.

I am going to devote my mornings to me. If I can get up. I use to get up at 5 am. No matter what. I loved it. It was so much time to be alone with my thoughts and get my work out in. I had carved out my solitude. However, for about two months I cannot get up. It’s a struggle. I hit snooze until I’m frantically running around to get my work out in and shower. So, that alone tells me I have not been listening to my small still voice telling me repeatedly to take a break from the world.

I believe there are good, kind, strong people in this world. Right now the most hateful voices are the loudest. I’m trying to find the light and raise those positive and uplifting voices because God bless them; they never stop lifting us all up with their words.

It’s summer. It’s July. Our backyard is beautiful and so peaceful. It’s time to sing to my plants and spend more time out there. Sitting and swearing at bugs.

And maybe we should all do a little more of that and a little less of being entitled and self righteous on social media; the world might get back to being a better place.

For all of us.


Too much heavy in the world so I’m going to continue with my Dog Life Blog.

Animals really do teach you so much about life. And no one animal taught me more about tenacity than Andy.

I only had known one dog up until I was 16/17 years old. That was our Black and Tan Australian Shepherd named Coalie. Coalie was sweet and quiet. He was also all work horse and never allowed inside. One time we did try to coax him from the Frozen Tundra and he got as far as the mud room and decided that was too much. I can’t reach into my memory bank and tell you much about him because he was always just with our dad. Coalie also loved porcupines and I think he was sprayed by a skunk more than once.

Coalie passed away and got a puppy. The first puppy for my sister and I. This little red, shy and so scared puppy came into our lives. My sister and I were thrilled. we also mandated she stay in the house. I don’t know how she became Andy, but Andy she was.

Andy was a red Australian Shepherd. Aussies by nature are family only and cranky with strangers. They love a good job and are high energy. She was all of that and more. I don’t think this blip will do her justice. It’s hard to find words to explain such a fierce little fire cracker, and if you have been owned by an Aussie; you get it.

Puppyhood was an adventure. Andy turned from the shy puppy who was hiding behind a chair into a force of nature. It was like she was just waiting for a family to unwrap her super power.

She discovered things like bounding around the house at lightening speed and using a sofa as a launch pad. Somewhere we have hours of her on video tape; one where she eats an orange peel is favorite.

Andy was all red with a white stripe down her nose and her ears never matched; one was up and was always down. Her nose was light brown so we always had to put sunscreen on it or she would burn. Her love of fierce play was always front and center.

My mom had a long purple winter coat she would wear and at some point Andy had taken this coat as the trigger for play time. It seemed it didn’t matter who wore the coat; Andy would attack. Sneak attacks were popular with her as well the full speed launch off you like a rocket attack. Even after the purple coat died a natural death; we would go for walks and Andy would be a few yards ahead when she would turn and look at you. We always stopped and said “no Andy no!” She didn’t give a shit. She would take off and jump off of you and all you could do is brace for impact.

Now as I said Andy was an Australian Shepherd. They are happiest having a job. Cattle are their number one job and no dog loved that job more than Andy. She was stubborn and competitive. And once she knew what her job was, like trailing steers down a trail and letting more in as we dropped down, she would stay on that task. Of course there were times she didn’t listen. She was a dog and she was Andy. I can’t recall, though, her giving one single flying fuck about being scolded. I could be wrong. I have this really fond memory of her.

There was nothing more Andy loved than a cow not paying attention and going along with status quo. I think she bit a cow(s) on the nose more than once and that annoying little bite they do on the back of hoof. Oh she got kicked, she was rolled more than once by a cow or Bull that bested her when she was too cocky or a little slow. I can tell you this though; that dog never went down without a fight. She might yelp at the surprise or it hurt; but she got up mad. Like straight up pissed.

Andy was also fast and could spin on a dime. I know because I raced her on a four wheeler more than once. More than once I was thankful I was wearing boots because she would get right up next to me and get those little teeth right at my heel.

Man she was a bitch. She was a lover too. She was scared of thunderstorms and would hide in the deepest closet she could find.

Swimming was a favorite past time and she never passed a water hole without a swim. After all trailing cows all day is hard work.

I loved that dog. I miss her almost daily. We miss her especially when we are horse back and the cows hide in the trees. I miss her smiling at us and her ability to lay her head on a pillow and wait for someone to cover her up.

Andy was as soft as she was tough. She loved us all fiercely. Some day I hope we add another feisty puppy to the mix. Just so they can herd kids and growl at anyone who isn’t family; but most importantly get into the trees so I’m not off my horse yelling into trees looking for cows.


Rion hated water. She would run along the shore line and bark at her brother swimming carelessly in the ocean.

Tiber had been whining for miles. His nose out the window smelling the tide and it was all we could do to hold him back from running head long into the surf .

But not my Rottweiler. She stayed on the shore. Her four feet firmly planted on terrafirma.

I didn’t know I wanted or needed a Rottweiler until one was dumped in my lap.

Rion was around 5 months old when she was rescued. I paid my father in law $1 for her because he had a rule about not being able to come back at me and demand money. So there I was with two puppies roughly the same age and different personalities.

The only bad thing to happen to Tiber as a puppy is he was bit by a neighbor dog and had stitches in his lip. This changed his outlook on other dogs and life. It made him have a stress reaction. He would drool and become very anxious when faced with greeting other dogs. So picture in a world where you’re walking two large dogs and everyone wants to meet the Labrador because well it’s a Lab. They are always friendly. Right? Tiber’s anxiety would turn to panic about meeting other dogs; in turn would cause the other dog to react aggressive. Rion would stand stead fast and patiently wait. She would then show her brother how to greet other animals and that not everyone is was out to hurt him. She fastly became his protector.

Rion, on the other hand, came to me with too many issues. She didn’t trust humans not to harm her. I was never really sure of her history but at first she didn’t like to be touched, guarded her food and generally thought she was boss.

I still remember putting her on a leash and teaching her to come.

I gave a tug and the command “come.” Rion pulled back and growled. At me. I was a little stunned. And then she did it again. I then looked at her and realized she was a little unsure and needed me to be sure. I narrowed my eyes at her and growled “come.” This time she did with a confused look on her face and she got rewarded with a ton of affection.

From there Rion and started building a bond. Things got harder and easier for that little puppy. I read every book I could on dog training and Rottweilers; soon tug and fetch were apart of our training. I immersed in socializing. Any place she could go with me; she went. Anyone who said “she’s such a cute dog” was asked to pet her. She wasn’t vicious, just unsure about life.

At 1 year old my shy and food aggressive Rottweiler has turned into my best friend and Tiber’s as it would turn out. She never let me go for a walk without her being on guard. Rion would always sit between me and whatever perceived danger. That was her job and she did it well. No one got close to me without her allowing it. Although loud noises would cause her to hide behind my legs and peek out. We all can’t be tough all the time.

Rion had a bubbly personality. She loved playing and she loved meeting new friends.Her whole butt would wiggle with excitement and I would swear she would smile at you. She loved to play, and her farts would peel paint off a wall.

One day I had come home and they weren’t in their yard. That led to a panic because I had dog stolen after he got out and these were two dogs. One being a Rottweiler. I looked all over and called their names and drove around. When I got home, they were back in yard. I checked the fence, a board was loose and could be swung from side to side. I moved the board and on the other side was another Rottweiler staring back at me. Turns out down the hill was a lonely friend. Learning how to open gates is how they would escape. That and the fact Tiber could jump. He could jump so high you could see his head over an 8 foot fence, which is why I start calling him the Flying Chocolate Lab.

Lots of preconceived notions come with owning a Rottweiler. People would assume she was mean. They would assume she needed to bred or wear a tire around her neck to make her stronger(yes I had someone say that to me). What no one understood is behind her job to protect me and her family was her huge capacity to love and be kind to every creature she would meet. She would lay down on the ground if a dog was smaller to play. She also let a squirrel chew her out for her barking causing him to drop his prize nut. Yes she sat and looked up him while he went on rant. I think she was as confused as I was while watching it.

One thing I didn’t realize with Rion is that her need to chew up the place was her crying for a cave. She needed a safer space to stay while I wasn’t home with her. The moment I put the crate together she crawled and laid down. I felt like an idiot for never figuring that out before. She eventually didn’t need one; after her passing Tiber needed it again.

I could write for days about this dog. This Rottweiler and her huge capacity to love. I felt like I failed her in so many ways. There are so many memories. So much joy and fun wrapped up with the two of them. They really were my constant companions. Rion. She has my heart.

Rion was my best teacher that in this world if you can be anything; be kind.

Rion (L) Tiber (R) enjoying dinner with their human


I love watching Grace run. Her ears flip a little and she looks almost like she is hopping.

Grace is my Chocolate Labrador. To be breed specific she’s a Silver Factored Chocolate Labrador and she is the happiest dog I have ever met. No really she is.

Oh but she’s a lab you say, they are always happy. No some labs are busy. They are smart and always thinking. My first lab was named Grizzly. He wasn’t mine. He just came with the man I was dating and then married. Griz was my first ever Chocolate Labrador. He was a true Gun dog. He was a duck hunter and he was a water dog. Griz could learn any trick you taught him within minutes. He was smart. But because he was smart he also was easily bored. He also didn’t like to be left alone, he would show his displeasure by chewing up pages of books. Not the whole book. Just enough to be annoying and to let you know. He also once saved a kitten from drowning. He was something special. He was also my cat Oreo best friend, but their story is for another time.

Today is a about Grace and my journey to her.

After Griz, we got this furry, big headed Chocolate Labrador named Tiber. He was a big puppy who loved water and food. He was also joyful. He was funny in his own way and stubborn too.Tiber didn’t like to learn but he loved the results. Tiber taught himself to open gates and would take himself, and my Rottweiler, Rion, for a walk. They ended up in Dog Jail that way. Tiber also loved to sleep in the bed with me and would eat chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven.

Tiber was alive when we had our daughter, and I cannot express what an amazing and patient dog he was to that little girl. He would stand in a kiddie pool all day and wear the necklace with pride.

I want to tell you about Rion too, I do. She is so special to me that I can’t talk about her without crying. So that story about her will have to wait for another day.

I’m crying now just thinking about Tiber and Rion. They were like Winnie the Pooh and Piglet. Best friends. I got my first ever Rottie from my father in law. She was 5 months old, same age as Tiber, and she was a freaking disaster. Rion had all the issues of an abused puppy. She didn’t trust humans, so I did what I do. I immersed her in life. Rion just didn’t understand love because she didn’t experience it. She became the most friendly, out going dog. She was my fiercest protector and she was so goofy. Her personality was just a big goof ball. She loved to play with everyone and she guided Tiber through any situation. I miss her terribly.

They both taught me so much. Two huge dogs made a lot of my trials and stressful situations at the time a lot easier. I was never alone when I had them.

After they passed away, it was 5 years until I thought I needed a dog in my life. So I went on search for a Labrador. I don’t know why really. I always thought I would get a Rottweiler, but I couldn’t. My heart wasn’t in it. I found a breeder in Montana that would ship to me living in Northern California. I was on the list to get a male Chocolate Labrador but it wasn’t meant to be. Her Female silver factored bred instead so I was offered a female from that litter.

On a chilly day in December I loaded up my daughter and drove to the airport to pick up a puppy. I still remember that Grace was wagging her tail and happy even in a crate. Just happy. We took her home and I thought I would never survive her puppy stage. Grace loved to sleep alone in her crate, which was odd for me after Tiber and Rion always next to me. But Grace wasn’t a snuggler. Then. However, now she can’t wait to put her head on your lap. Grace is the most overly enthusiastic fetcher and she constantly has to have a stuffed animal of some kind in her mouth. It’s the only thing that calms her down. I swear she can’t see but fling food in her direction she will ninja it out of the air. Grace barks at everything and everyone. Dogs and people. Running and barking up to people. It’s embarrassing because as soon as she gets to them, she sits and wiggles all over. She really is all bark. She’s super good with other dogs. I have only watched her go at it with my parents’ dog, Lucy. A kelpie. Even then it was over food and they looked more like two girls slapping each other.

Yes, Grace is a foodie. She waits unashamed for food to be tossed her way. She is best plate cleaner we have.

Grace is pure happiness. She loves green grass and will roll and roll in our yard. She loves to go with my dad and Lucy in the pick up. So much so, if he comes by and she gets in he can’t get her out. She will just sit in stare straight ahead and pretend she can’t hear. I have lost her more than once when she hears his diesel. Grace will just bolt down the street after him.

I am also lucky that she knows where my parents live and it’s the only place she goes when we go out the front door or the back gate gets left ajar.

We also added Jax the Chihuahua to the family when I met Craig. Jax is the sucker fish in our relationship. No, I didn’t know we needed a little dog who has so much anxiety and a capacity to love. He has become more mine than Craig’s.

And Grace just makes me happy. I just love her.

Ya know?

I am.

I am strong, wise and courageous. Happiness is my birth right.

I have that reminder set to pop up on my phone once a week. Some days I hit okay and don’t bother to read it; but this last month has caused me to pause. I now read my daily intentions with intention. I repeat them and breathe them in.

This is an odd and uncertain time, and I think we are all a little stunned it’s taken so long. We are Americans after all; and we live to tell you how we stopped and over came whatever is thrown our way.

Can I tell you a secret? I am loving the slow pace. Our little family eats dinner together regularly, but now we are better at game night and checking in with each other and how we are all doing mentally. My kid is at home working on the home school part of it and I think that’s a little overwhelming because her day dream sensor is off. She doesn’t realize that just because she can’t focus at home doesn’t mean she spent the whole day focusing at school. So teaching her to give her some self breaks and look outside and GO outside is also incorporated into our home life. However, she did pick up the hobby of sewing. That sewing machine my mom got me 7 years ago is finally getting put to use.

She is also getting some much needed driving lessons.

We have our deep dish pizza to build and that has made us feel we are contributing to our community in some small way.
I could be cleaning out the garage, of course, and organizing. And maybe I will get to that because it has made me realize I don’t need or use half of the things I own. That takes motivation to go through every box and some days my need to nap interferes with it all.

There is so much stress and worry right now. I have turned off the news and stopped looking at all the information because I think I have enough right now. I wash my hands more than I have in my whole life and I am also very acutely aware how much I touch my face.

I have a pile of books I have put off reading that I am now digging through. I have shows that I can watch at my own pace.

BUT I also have chores. No I don’t. I just get the call of we are checking cows. My dad has entrusted my sister and I with the evening check. I think mostly because, let’s face it, cows tend to behave themselves from the hours of 4 pm-7 pm. It’s the night shift where things tend to go side ways. So my sister and I load up in the side by side (which we have recently learned to check the gas gauge. Is one dash enough to get use to the back end of the calving pasture and back? Yes. It went up to two dashes on a down hill slide, so who really knows. We live life on the edge.) We bounce around and interrupt the cows trek up the path, make our three year old heifers nervous, and we laugh at all the calves that are showing off their new pair of legs. We also get the sage advice of a 7 year old which mostly consists of “I told you.”

While we all get into our new routine and keep washing our hands,cleaning every surface; remember to take the time to slow your mind from wondering into the unknown and to make your to do list.

I am still working on mine.

Stay safe out there.


Today is Craig’s birthday, so happy birthday love.

He would say he doesn’t like the attention. He does love it just a little though. Public acknowledgement of him is his love language.  Along with gifts and love. He’s a Pisces and a middle child, so he rides the fringe of being extra. In the best ways though, says this oldest child and a Scorpio.

We have been together two years or is it three? Or has it been a century? I really can’t tell on the days that end in y or on the days that end with “this mother effer….” I know that makes me seem heartless but it actually makes me the most truthful.

Because our love is imperfect and hard and it drives me absolutely crazy. Or I drive him crazy. What’s the day?

Yeah, it depends on the day.

We are really good together. We work well with each other when he’s not being bossy and I’m not being moody. He handles those swings pretty well.


We met because it wasn’t convenient or easy. We dated long distance for over a year. Why? Because we were testing boundaries and really sick of everyone’s bullshit. He kept pushing for more and I hate change ( oldest child remember?).

To this day he pushes me out of my comfort zone. Deep dish pizza start up anyone?

We adult together, we parent pretty well together and we try very hard to get out of our own way. He’s funny, smart and a leader. And he’s extra. But he’s who I chose and I choose every day; even on days that end in y.

Happy Birthday. I hope the carrot cake I’m slaving over tastes as good it looks.

 I hope all your wishes you make when you blow out your candles come true. You deserve all the good things. Cheers to another amazing trip around the sun.


My knees hit the floor and I prayed for him to love me. I prayed to be good enough for him. I prayed and I prayed and the door closed. I cried and cried.

Her knees hit the floor and she sat and cried and asked why she wasn’t good enough for him? Why didn’t he love her enough?

This time I knew the answer because it was the answer that was given to me.
“Sis it isn’t you. You are good enough. You are amazing. You are worth loving. When we put our expectations on someone to do it for us; we will be let down every time.”

That one simple click of the door closing on me opened a window, a hallway, a doorway and a whole new house. Now I don’t even attempt to open the door that wasn’t meant for me and was meant to be closed.

Isn’t that somethin’? When we get that message. Man, sometimes it takes me two or three tries before I realize that wasn’t meant for me. You see, I am a people pleaser and a helper. I want to help.  I want to make it better and I want everyone to smile and laugh with me. I want us all to be friends and bake bread.

I can also be a badger. I never really want to let go.

“Why did you stop talking to me?” I was asked by someone who had been my friend off and on for years.

That was a little difficult for me to answer. It wasn’t as simple as you hurt me and it was as simple as you hurt me.

I answered as honestly as I could, ” I wasn’t in a healthy space and didn’t feel good with myself let alone to be a good friend, so I just backed away. I apologize and going forward let’s make an effort to be better friends.”

I decided that this relationship had become one sided and it  was now in her court. If she missed me and wanted to continue to build a friendship going forward; she would call. God and the universe had spoken already on this friendship and they collective had sighed and ran their hands down their faces. This wasn’t a friendship based on love and mutual respect. Each interaction had made me walk away wondering why I wasn’t good enough? Why didn’t she love me like I loved her? I had given her chances. I felt I had tried all I could and the try had ran out. So with a final nail in the door; I walked away knowing I may have not been a good friend all the time but I had tried each time.

Why do we fight so hard to keep a door open? What is it in the human spirit that won’t simply grieve for the ending and say thank you? I wish I knew the answer. I wish I could let go of some things and some relationships as easily as I have with others.

I have learned enough to say I am a lot better about it. I still have to go through the motions of asking why I let someone have that illusion of power over me and what I could have done differently. When I feel that obsession;  I know it’s time to close the door. I realize that if I have done everything I can do (and sometimes that’s get out of my own way) that it is time to wish them the best and send them on their way.

I remember the day I finally got it. The day I finally understood that happiness was an inside project. It is something that only I can create and choose every single day. I can choose to focus on the relationships that are willing to open the door, pick up the phone and do the work it takes  going forward. None of it easy. Some days are banging on a dark door in even darker hallway and asking God to open it; and when He doesn’t remember to say thank you for keeping it closed. There are friendships and relationships out there just waiting for you to stop banging on the closed door in the dark hallway and walk into sunshine to an open door only to greet you with a fresh glass of something good.



While we’ve all heard of it. Everyone perceives it differently. So, here’s my take on it.

Growth comes from stepping outside of your comfort zone. It will put  you at ease and   test your limits. While I say all of this, here is how I’ve grown to be the person I am, and how I’m continuing to grow; because let’s just be honest, the world is ever changing so you need to change with it. Being happy within yourself is the biggest step and while it doesn’t happen overnight, you can’t let people stopping you from achieving that.

I came from a small town, where there was the same amount of bars as there are churches. Now I’m not saying it’s a bad place, but for someone in my shoes, you run into people that just don’t seem to see anything but black and white.

I’m transgender. I am truthful about it  now with it being 2020. It’s a little more known than it truly was 7 years ago, it is still is looked down upon from some.

Now here is where the growth comes in. I never once let someone get to me that I didn’t think this is who I was, don’t get me wrong, I had a hell of a time throughout the last year of my high school and even the years after; with family and some friends not accepting at the time. They’ve come around and  I never let it come between my goal: happiness.

I moved out of my hometown, made a life I never thought possible for myself and did things I thought would never happen. In all that time, I fell in love. I mean, head over heels, nothing else mattered in love. Here’s where changing for your growth happens, that all came crashing down. I thought the world was ending. Sure, I’m a young kid, first major heartbreak, it’s expected. What I’ve learned from it is, I’m a better person than I thought, and that no matter what; life keeps moving on. The sun always rises and it’s always a good day. I’m alive and breathing. Growt comes in many forms. I’m happier than I have ever been. I’ve made steps in my life that I never thought would happen. And I continue everyday to work on myself and to grow.

As it should be.

Thank you for your time. -Ashton.