I’ve been working on someone else’s dream this week. No that’s not true. It’s our shared plan/ dream. I am so use to being separate that together is sometimes difficult. Togetherness is hard. It’s getting easier as we grow together, but we fight it some days.
Relationships are fucking hard. Not one high school love story tells you this. Love stories don’t explain the hard, they gloss over it.
You have to together more than you separate other wise the self doubt starts creeping in. You ever watch a couple that’s together? They move, talk and think in a fluid motion. Same way you can feel the separate in another couple? Everything is hard, uncomfortable and they move out of sync.
Not every day is fluid in my relationship. We definitely have days where one of us is in the boat paddling and they other just wants to beat the other with their oar.
My mood is a varying touch of love and I am tired. When I say I’m tired, like a lot of women, I don’t mean I’m tired. I am not tired. It’s just the word that sounds less psychotic and less dramatic. I am more mentally exhausted from the day to day bullshit and having to ask for more or say again makes me tired. I’m trying to be better about expressing myself as more than tired, but some days I’m just wore the fuck out from being human.
Friendships are just as fucking hard. Women spend a lot of time trapped in their heads. We tell ourselves a lot of shit that isn’t true. So being friends is a difficult road some days because we always wonder if this bitch is going to pick you up from the bar at the end of the night or leave you. And it takes some time to really find that girl squad that isn’t going to flirt with your man, tell your secrets or leave you at the bar.
I like to think I’m a fierce friend, but even that gets me into some fucked up situations I could avoided by just being a bitch. I also get my feelings hurt because I’m loyal to a fault and I can’t understand when someone else isn’t. That’s not their fault. It’s mine.
After all we are all humans having a human experience. Some days every relationship is going to be easy and fluid and those are the days I realize I have it pretty good. I have a healthy relationship and I have fierce friendships. So those days when we face each other and want to toss each other out of the boat, I know it will be okay because it’s hard to work through the shit but it’s worth it.
I am going to go work on a shared dream and vision, so he can be a better human; I can work on mine to be a better human too.
We will start to plan trips with our friends.
We are only human.